When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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