Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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