Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
