can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
