i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize