god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
