Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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