When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
