i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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