I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
