checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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