Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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