ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
