So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
God I need to hump something, right now.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
