drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
