Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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