I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
BRING THE BAGELS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
