Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just found puke in my bra..
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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