A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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