Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
