do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
