I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
