I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
