and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize