Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
