Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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