i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
