I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
