I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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