I must be too annoying 4 u.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize