I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
