I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she pinky promised me she was 18
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
