YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
