Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
