Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
