she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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