I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
