where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
