Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize