my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
