I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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