im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
