i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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