dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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