nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
