Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
