I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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