So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
