From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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