I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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