I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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