There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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