The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
