Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
