If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
