i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
