Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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